Customer Dissed Service

Salespeople may be nuts, but only because customers are crazy. I know that as a fact, as I’ve been on both sides of the retail counter, which brings me to yesterday. I was shopping at store in my neighborhood, I won’t use its real name, but let's call it “Lovely Homes,“ a store known for it lovely home merchandise. I was the second in line, not complicated, looking for a replacement lamp harp, which I could see right behind the sales associate, no problem I thought. While not in a rush, I did want to get to the movies a little later. I had plenty of time. Here is the exchange…

Curtain Opens...

Customer (In front of me): Is this your best scented candle oil? You see I’m having a little soirée tonight and I don’t want anything too smelly or overwhelming. Does it say 'I’m here, but you can ignore me?'

Sales Associate: (takes a whiff of green apple and bay rum elixir) I think it smells nice. I like it.

Customer: You don’t get it do you? This isn’t for you; I’m having important people over!!! (The hair on the back of my neck begins to stand up.)

Sales Associate: It’s one of our best sellers; Swoozie Kurtz bought a bottle just last week.

Customer: (rolls her eyes as if Swoozie Kurtz was the Kaiser) Then show me something else. (Looks around exasperated) What else do you have? (Lovely Homes stocks more than five dozen scented fragrances, it‘s going to be a long ride.)

Sales Associate: This is nice. It’s called "Beach."

Customer: Is that beach like the ocean or Beech like the tree? You do know the difference? (My blood pressure begins to rise.)

Sales Associate: Between a tree and the Atlantic Ocean? Uhh …It smells like the ocean.

Customer: No, no, no, we’re more woodsy types. Do you have anything along the lines of something that smells like… I don’t know…an Appalachian spring?

Sales Associate: I think we have something called “New Moan Hay.”

Customer: Think, you don’t know? That sounds god awful anyway, we’re not horsey. Do you have a manager? (My inner voice “MUST… NOT… KILL”)

Sales Associate: I’ll ring. “Manager to small housewares! Manager to small housewares!”

Customer: (holds up green apple and bay rum elixir) How long does this stuff last anyway?

Sales Associate: (still on phone) It depends on use.

Customer: Yes, I know that, but on average, how long does it last? A day, a week, a year, the box doesn’t say.

Sales Associate: It depends on how much you use, Maam.

Customer: Look if you can’t answer a simple question, can you please find someone in this store who can, I haven’t got all day! (Inner voice gets louder, GO TO SMALL HANDGUN DEPARTMENT SHOOT SELF IN HEAD WITH DEMO MODEL.)

Sales Associate: The manager is on his way.

Customer: I’ll be right over there. (Vaguely indicates fragrance and candle area.)

Sales Associate: (fake chipper voice directed at me now) Welcome to Lovely Homes, how can I help you today?

Me: Do you have a spare bucket of water so I can get the floor wet and trip her? (Sales Associate laughs)

Sales Associate: I hear it all day.

Me: Well, I just I need that little brass lamp harp right there. (I point to one 4 ft. from her counter.)

Sales Associate: Opps! I’m sorry that’s in electrics, you’re at the wrong counter. (She smiles)

Me: But there’s no one at that counter. Can’t you just get it any way?

Sales Associate: It’s not in my department. I’m not allowed to ring it up. The Electric Associate should be right back; he just went to the stockroom for something. (Now I’m ticked off, after exhibiting the patience of a saint, I’m being rewarded with the corporate line.)

Me: No. Seriously, you can’t sell something else in this store?

Sales Associate: Not if I’m not assigned to that department.

Me: So Lovely Homes would rather I don’t purchase anything?

Sales Associate: If you can just wait a few more minutes he’ll be right back. Or you can visit our Web site and order one?

Me: Can I just reach over and grab one, and take it to the main counter upstairs? They can ring up anything, right?

Sales Associate: They can, but we’re not allowed to let customers behind the counter, it’s too dangerous, liability? (makes baby face) I’m sorry.

Me: Can you tell me where the nearest Home Depot is?

End Scene

P.S. You don’t want to know what happens when I get to the Lowes Movie Theatre and am forced to pay more for a medium popcorn than a large. Arrgh!

--Ron Knoth, Guest Blogger