Retailers Are Like Boyfriends

Whether you are married, living with someone, dating, or single, we all know that we are attracted to certain retailers--just like we are to men or women. Unfortunately, we spend more quality time with our retail boyfriends than our real-life ones.
 
Freud described this phenomenon as the Oedipus Complex, unconsciously becoming attracted to a mate who personifies the (repressed) attributes of our mommy or daddy, (involuntary shudder) which still gives me the creeps just thinking about it.
 
They say for every pot there is a lid…Example: if you are attracted to those bad-boy types, you probably shop at Ed Hardy, maybe Marc Jacobs (just to make Ed jealous), or that shirtless flirt, Abercrombie & Fitch. Trust me--those retailing bad boys are high maintenance.
 
If you are attracted to the kind of men that you’d bring home to your mom, you probably shop at GANT, Ralph Lauren, Brooks Brothers, Coach or Cole Haan. They are respectable, they are the kind of retailing boyfriends whose stores (homes) already look like the club room at a (non-restricted) country club, and besides, they are financially stable. They make excellent retailing boyfriends. Tally Ho!
 
Once in everyone’s life, we have to have a retail boyfriend we regret-- summer fling--and what’s more attractive than an European accent, which is why a Euro-trash retailing boyfriend like Louis Vuitton, Versace, Ferregamo, Prada, or Gucci fits the bill. (See “The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone.”) At first, it’s all glamour and romance, and then it fizzles like a cigarette butt in a coffee cup in a lonely sidewalk café. Don’t let this happen to you.
 
Ask yourself: Is ebay, Amazon or Bluefly your Match.com?
 
Some of us go for those intellectual, geeky types (remember the board game “Mystery Date”…"I got the dud”?) If so, Thom Browne, Kenneth Cole, Zac Posen and Isaac Mizrahi might just be your cup of tea. Granted, they themselves may not show up in a sequel to “Revenge of The Nerds,” but they personify the sort of retailing boyfriends that are smart, appreciate us and, most importantly, won’t cheat on us (like A&F).
 
I, alas, prefer the sophisticated scoundrel, as personified by the sexy Tom Ford and Dolce & Gabbana. These are retailing boyfriends who are seductive, slick and promise you the world. Granted, they treat us terribly. They’re nothing more than retailing gigolos. Sure they will tell you that you’re the only one, but rest assured, they make fun of you as you exit the store. Boo…Hoo…Hoo. Shamefully, we go back for more.
 
Are you the all-American who sees themselves with the boy next door? You know, the winsome athletic type...if so, Calvin Klein, Tommy Hilfiger, Todd Oldham (Old Navy), L..L Bean, and Michael Bartlett (Claiborne) are the perfect groom atop your retailing wedding cake. They’re cute, take a great picture and always look like they just took a shower. They’re not a threat to others, but your friends are all envious of them.
 
Are you into biker-types like John Varvatos, Christian Audigier and Rock & Republic? Watch out, these retailing boyfriends have a dark side--they’re unpredictable and are dangerous. If you wear them out, you’ll get a bad reputation. You’ve been warned.

I need to go to retail couples therapy. The question is: how am I going to get Phineas Cole through the door?

Which retailer have you been dating? Tell us here! Inquiring minds want to know...

--Ron Knoth, Guest Blogger

Photo: Carlo Dapino|Dreamstime.com

Comments

[Ronald Knoth]

Dear Store Manager,

We need a Dear Abby, for retailers, a place for consumers seeking counsel from bad retailing relationships to go to for advice. Are you "Perplexed in Peoria" or "Washed-Up in Washington, DC"?

My retailing surprise this week was the Gap. I bought a jewel tone teal green tee-shirt. I felt like just bought some pornography. I told the cashier, "I'll just put it in my bag!" I didn't want the staff of Bergdorf Goodmans to spot me coming out of the door with a plactic bag...from the Gap! You'd think there was lipstick on my collar!

Having a retail affair is not as easy as it used to be.

[The Store Manager]

I have a steady relationship with one store, but occassionally I go behind her back and look in another. My steady relationship is a good one. Always giving. The mistress is not as good. She always promises a lot, and never delivers. And still I go back to her.