First there was the Titanic, then came “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” (1964), arguably one of the all-time worst movies ever made. Pour me some instant Swiss Miss, and curl up on the couch, I love a trashy Christmas film.
Well, Santa may have conquered the Martians, but Main Street is another matter all together. Americans too might be more like Martians than we care to admit. We too can be petty, have unreasonable expectations and want more than Santa can readily provide. So, we look to retailers to be our Santa Clauses. Just like Santa on Mars, retailers are doing their level best. Weeks before Thanksgiving, holiday windows in New York were beginning to pop up. With trusty camera in hand, I’ve taken a few quick shots to show you just how fun, joyful and elegant this year's Christmas promises to be, thanks to great retailers!
Click here to view a full slideshow of the photos.In case you are interested, here’s a synopsis of the movie mentioned above: The citizens of Mars, including Momar ("Mom Martian") and Kimar ("King Martian") are worried that their children Girmar ("Girl Martian") played by Pia Zadora, who in an interesting casting note is actually Martian, and Bomar ("Boy Martian") are watching way too much Earth television. (Just like my mom, who warned that if I sat too close to the TV, I would get radiation poisoning--thanks mom!) There’s no Dr. Spock, or even a Dr. Phil on Mars, only an 800-year-old Martian, Chochem, who warns that the children of Mars are growing robotized due to Martian society's overly rigid structure (after all, their education is fed directly into their brains through creepy machines… just like at my grade school), so Martian children are not allowed any individuality or freedom of thought. Cochem advises that children should be allowed to have fun (gasp!), which is as close to heresy on Mars as you can get. Regardless, the Martians figure that the best way to remedy the situation is to kidnap Santa Claus (and a few pesky Earth children), and bring them to Mars to make toys for the children of Mars.
When they arrive (bound and gagged,) Santa is forced to work in a Martian factory to make toys for the little green children. (Yes, with antenna.) This is where Santa introduces a “Slinky “ to the Martians, who you would think, considering their technology, would know what a coil is. But I digress. The factory is like a Louis Vuitton sweat shop in China, lead paint not included. Let’s just say that despite the adduction, the Martians are not too fond of Santa, they try to kill him, and the Earth kids, sabotage the factory, ruin the toys, treat him like dirt, and are otherwise not too friendly. After much plodding intrigue, a little Stockholm Syndrome in Santa, and some lousy musical numbers, the Martians realize that they don’t need our Santa, they have their own lame-o version, that’s right, a knock-off on Mars. (Stay away Chanel!) Anyway, Santa and company are sent back to earth…with a thud!
Sample Dialogue: “No siree! We're going out the good ol' fashioned way. Prancer and Dancer and Doner and Blitzen, and Vixon and Nixon... oh, consarnit I get those names mixed up, but the KIDS know their names.”--Santa Claus
--Ron Knoth, Guest Blogger
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